When the two of you walk through the door for couples’ work, your therapist may immediately understand that both partners will be absolute masters at knowing which ways the other one is difficult, messing things up, and why they need to change. Far less often, couples come in with clear and detailed insight into why they each personally become so triggered and either escalate or staunchly avoid the on-going series of challenges that occur in the relationship. That is because it’s so easy to get lost in the dance. Most of us are simply repeating a version of what we watched growing up, even if we feel we are doing our very best to be better than our own parents. And yet, we don’t need to have terrific insight about ourselves or our partners to get started. Most importantly, we need to come with the right attitude in place, one of openness and curiosity, rather than a feeling that we are coming in to win the upper position in the game of who is right.
At Compass Rose Therapy & Inquiry, we will work within the model of Emotion Focused Therapy to help partners identify where their core individual wounds lie, and how they tend to inform even the most mundane conflicts. We call this clarifying the couple’s Dance, their pattern that creates a homeostasis of specific kinds of conflict, and why the pattern is so often similar in every circumstance.
Let’s start with a couple of primary orientations to creating more intimacy that will make coming in together an experience of rebuilding a foundation in which the two of you are a pair of honest me(s) within a creative we.
Here are a few beginning attitudes to cultivate to ensure that the work you do together has rich soil in which to help it grow. Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of EFT, defined three things to cultivate to help you and your partner start getting grounded in the process that is about to unfold, shifting your intimacy to the next level as you move through the work.
Each person in the couple needs to know that their partner is willing to be accessible, responsive, and engaged through the course of the relationship.
A, R, E:
Accessibility: Can I reach you?
Especially when one feels doubtful, especially when one feels insecure, each partner has agreed to stay present for the other. This can look like wrestling with one’s own difficult feelings and pausing on an impulse to make them the priority so that we can hear and welcome what is happening for our beloved, so that we do not miss an opportunity to identify their needs and their cues for connection.
Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?
Can you make a commitment to work on being available to hear your partner’s attachment needs? This step is learning to create ways to stay attuned to the emotional content when your partner is sharing their vulnerability and remaining present with them by sending clear physical and emotional messages of support.
Engagement: Do I know you value me and will stay close?
This means remaining deeply connected and actively listening in the ways that we may give most affectionately to our closest love. It means providing presence that is reciprocating when your partner has decided to disclose feelings that may feel scary for them to reveal. When you are engaged with someone you dearly value, engagement means cultivating a warmth that allows your partner to know they are safe with you.
While these simple attitudes are often more difficult than they sound, couple’s work offers a powerful opportunity to learn about how we can become more effective in our most important relationship. It is a learning process, which is why curiosity and openness are key.
If you are considering couple’s therapy, be prepared to learn how to stop the blame cycle by tracking your own internal responses. Be willing to learn how to better name and communicate your own experience to your partner and commit to growing the ability to listen and respond with more patience and emotional presence.
Over time, with awareness, responsiveness, and engagement, you will enjoy the renewed physical and emotional intimacy that begins to emerge as a result practicing these three foundational approaches for strengthening your experience of love.
